The Sibling Rivalry Healing Kit
Whether you have siblings or you’re an only child, sibling wounds hurt like hell and for some reason nobody ever wants to talk about it.
Sibling wounds happen for a myriad of reasons, and almost all of them have to do with your parents, ancestral trauma and societal programming. This isn’t your fault and you didn’t do anything wrong, but having this wound can feel like a hole inside that just burns right through you. Integration and healing is so key for moving forward in peace.
If you do everything in this kit, you will have a FULL day of ceremony, but you can also spread it out over time, and you can definitely use these practices over and over again.
I sincerely hope this kit will be a balm for you. I’m so proud of you for going on this journey, for committing to yourself and your healing, and I’m so grateful you’re allowing me to accompany you on the way!
Please understand that this work carries potentially re-traumatizing heaviness. The goal of this is NOT to send you into a traumatized state. If you feel you will need extra support from a trauma-informed specialist, I encourage you to complete this work with the help of your therapist, or contact me and we can set up a Life Coaching session during which I can walk you through some Nervous System re-regulation techniques to help you cope.
Find the Ceremony Space + Cleanse
These practices are best done indoors, in a private space. If you don’t have access to a private space, I recommend enlisting a close, trusted friend to facilitate these practices for you in their home—and in fact, practicing these in community with someone else may be incredibly healing to the sibling wound!
Before you enter the space, shower or bathe. Water is incredibly helpful for diffusing tense energy, just ask any empath you know! You want to enter into this with a calm and open heart. This is to energetically keep yourself feeling flowy and flexible, which will be necessary as you flow through different feelings and unfamiliar practices.
Cleanse with smoke. Smoke adds a little fire and a little air, ensuring that you are in the energy of fortitude and expression.
I recommend a Rosemary smudge stick. I do NOT recommend White Sage or Palo Santo, as their high demand has resulted in the over-farming of these plants and the ecological destruction of their environments. Additionally, White Sage has ceremonial importance to many Indigenous tribes, so if you’re not Indigenous and you want to be in respectful relationship with this culture, I’d stay away from using White Sage unless invited into the practice by someone of Indigenous descent.
Wear comfortable clothes that help you feel grounded (for example, I have a pink sweater that is basically my adult security blanket. I always wear it when I’m sitting in ceremony or doing hard Shadow Work).
Have plenty of water, facial tissues, a pen and journal, and snacks that your inner child might like as a reward (I like popcorn) available.
You may have pictures of your sibling(s) or objects that are meaningful to your relationship with your sibling(s), if available and comfortable for you.
Include anything else you think you might like, particularly focusing on textures, music, and scents that make you feel loved and safe.
If you choose to use sacred medicine like Cacao, THC, CBD, Psilocybin, MDMA, Ayahuasca, Peyote, Kambo, etc., please use sparingly and with an understanding of what your tolerance levels are, and if applicable, please recruit the help of a “trip sitter” or sober companion, keeping in mind the consumption laws of your area if you are in public.
Please do NOT use alcohol with this Kit. Alcohol is a depressant that can damage neural plasticity, so it’s use is antithetical to this work.
A Reality Check Exercise
You may sit or lay down, whatever is most comfortable for you.
Breathe slowly, making sure your exhale is longer than your inhale. A good way to do this is to pretend on the exhale that you are blowing your air out in front of a candle flame, but you don’t want to blow the flame out, you just want it to flicker a little.
You may have your eyes open or closed.
Take your time here, go slowly. Ground yourself into presence.
Now focus on your sibling(s). Ask yourself the following questions:
Where am I currently at with my relationship with my sibling(s)?
Where do I want to be?
What is my intention for this healing today?
Allow yourself to fully feel whatever comes up for you, but don’t stop breathing.
Take as long as you need here, until you feel truly clear about what comes next.
If you need to shake it out after this exercise, this a beautiful way to release any pent-up energy and tension.
Journal Prompts
You may choose to do these all at once, or spread them out, as you see fit. Please take your time to feel into these, write intentionally and with curiosity. What you put in is what you’ll get out.
How was I known in my family? The dramatic one? The over-emotional one? The smart one? The miracle baby?
How do those labels make me feel about myself now? Do any of them feel true? How do I allow them to affect how I interact with the world?
What about my sibling? What were they known as in our family?
How has my relationship with my siblings served me? How has it limited me?
What sensations am I feeling in my body about my sibling(s)? Any aches and pains? What do those physical experiences bring up for me emotionally?
What is the current state of my relationship with my sibling(s)?
What do I wish my relationship with my sibling(s) was?
If I could say anything to my sibling(s), what would it be?
What was the messaging that my parents gave me and my sibling(s) about our individual worthiness for love? Did my parents play favorites between me and my sibling(s)?
How might that messaging have affected me? What about my sibling(s)? How might that messaging have affected them?
Why do I think my parents might have treated my siblings and I in the way that they did?
This next section of questions is for those who do not have siblings:
What was the messaging I received from my parents around my uniqueness and maturity when I was growing up?
How might that messaging have affected my friendships and childhood interactions?
Did people ever call me spoiled or make other assumptions about me and my character because I was an only child? How might those labels and assumptions have affected my opinions of myself and by behaviors?
Was it easy for me to make friendships growing up? Was it challenging? How did I feel in social situations?
In what ways was my only-child status a blessing? In what ways was it damaging to me?
A Compassion Practice
This is a meditation I have been doing for 6 years, every day. NOTHING has influenced my healing journey more than this meditation: Metta Bhavana. “Metta Bhavana” means, “Lovingkindness” in Sanskrit, and it begins with a benevolent, loving wish for yourself, and then moves to include others. For the purposes of this Kit, you may find it particularly helpful to focus on your sibling(s) in the fourth chapter (you’ll see what I mean when you get there).
A note about compassion: Compassion is NOT forgiveness. If you have been deeply hurt by someone or deeply traumatized by your father, offering compassion in the fourth chapter is NOT the same as offering forgiveness. Compassion is a path to forgiveness, but they are not one and the same. You may be able to offer compassion to your father now for his hurtful actions, but it may take you years to forgive. Or you may never find it possible to forgive—and that’s ok. You don’t have to.
This meditation is 20 minutes.
Write A Letter
Get your paper and pen ready, stretch out your hands, take a few healing, intentional breaths, and write your sibling(s) a letter. This can be a 40 page letter if you need it to be—let it ALL out. Nobody is going to read this, and you’re not going to send it, so you can write anything you want, don’t hold back. After you’re finished with this letter, you can burn it ceremoniously, bury it, tear it into a million pieces, or any other way that feels appropriate for you to dispose of it.
If you’re not sure where to start, you can follow this template:
Dear (sibling’s name),
Here’s what I’m feeling towards you right now:
I am angry about:
I am sad about:
I forgive you for:
I don’t forgive you for:
I wish:
I release:
Then sign off in whatever way you feel is appropriate.
A Practice in Trust
This is a great practice for anytime, and will translate incredibly well into interactions with anyone, not just your sibling(s). Our sibling(s) are the first model we ever received for friendship, so when we have a wounded sibling relationship, it can make trusting others incredibly difficult. In this practice, we’re looking to break down the walls we’ve built around our hearts, find our own wellspring of internal power and safety, and take the vulnerability plunge.
This might feel silly the first few times you do this, but I promise it really works!
For this practice, you’ll need a stand-in for a friend. It can be a stuffed animal, a photograph, or an actual friend (they just aren’t allowed to speak during this exercise).
Sit opposite your stand-it, looking at them directly.
Breathe and look into their eyes. Allow them to look into yours. You may feel discomfort coming up, either because it feels awkward to be making eye contact with a stuffed animal, or because it feel awkward to be making eye contact, period. We’re not a very eye-contact heavy culture in the US where I live, so this will probably be particularly uncomfy for those living in similar cultural environments.
As you breathe and look into their eyes, try to feel any tightness that’s in your heart and with every exhale, let the heart relax.
Repeat to yourself the following mantra:
MY HEART CANNOT BE BROKEN. ONLY THE WALLS THAT I HAVE BUILT AROUND MY HEART CAN BE BROKEN.
When you feel like the awkwardness has dissipated and any tightness around your heart has loosened, think of something vulnerable you can share openly with your stand-in. It might be a secret, or a shadow, or even a story you’ve never told anyone.
Share it.
Be brutally honest, but only share as much as you think they can handle (especially if your stand-in is an actual person).
Notice any sensations that come up in your body as you tell your vulnerable truth. Share those sensations with your stand-in, and maybe explore out loud why those sensations might have come up for you.
Remember that you are in a safe space, of your own creation, and that just as this stand-in is totally powerless in this exercise, you have all the power over your own truth and your own safety in that truth—always.
When you’ve said everything you wanted to say, thank your stand-in for listening, and let them give you a hug (or hug them if they don’t have arms). Imagine that they are receiving and validating your vulnerability, and thanking you for sharing.
You can journal about this experience and how it made you feel—from the silly, to the uncomfortable, to the downright ugly.
Take a nap after this. You’ll need the rest for integration.
A Gentle Exercise
Put on a soft playlist of folk music, slow R&B, classical music, light jazz, low-fi beats, or something else that’s really chill.
Give yourself a somatic hug by placing your right hand under your left armpit, and your left hand on your right shoulder.
Sway gently to the music.
Imagine that your sibling(s) and parents are in the room with you. But not your family as their current selves, your family as the family you always wished you’d had: gentle, loving, supportive, understanding, whatever descriptors feel best to you…
Now imagine each of them taking turns hugging you, and swaying with the music.
You may feel grief or other powerful emotions begin to come up. Allow yourself to feel your feelings fully and move through whatever comes up without placing judgement on yourself.
Enjoy the sensation of having this loving, gentle experience with your family. Soak up the love. Return it back. Feel yourself floating in a bubble of love.
Stay here as long as you need.
A Mantra Meditation
This guided “meditation” will help you to build confidence, self worth, and and enough self-validation to be able to feel complete and whole, even without the support of your parents or sibling(s).
Please do not do this meditation unless you are feeling regulated in your nervous system, as this recording will gently activate the nervous system and if you are already dysregulated it could induce a trauma response instead of the intended response, which is a feeling of tranquil empowerment.
This meditation is 20 minutes.
A Cord Cutting
A note about this cord cutting: just because you are cutting the cord that binds you energetically, does not mean that you need to never speak to or see your sibling(s) again. This is just a way for you to set an energetic boundary for yourself, ensuring that you will no loner be allowing your relationship with your sibling(s) to energetically drain you.
This can be paired with the cord-cutting meditation in the Mama Trauma Care Kit or it can be done on it’s own.
Items you will need:
A candle or a picture of your sibling(s)
a long (4-5 ft is best) piece of ribbon, floss, string, or yarn
A smudge stick (please remember my note about Palo Santo and White Sage from above)
A pair of scissors
Put on a playlist of lullabies that remind you of your childhood.
Create a physical cord for yourself by tying a ribbon around your waist and then tying the other end around a candle or a picture of your sibling(s). As you do so, imagine a warm band of golden light exiting out of your Solar Plexus (your belly) and flowing towards and around the candle/picture. This is an energetic totem for your life-force.
Breathe slowly.
You can hug yourself and rock back and forth if it feels grounding and safe to you.
Summon the energy of your sibling(s) to you. When you feel their presence close to you, you may proceed:
Read your letter that you wrote to your sibling(s) (if you haven’t written one yet per the exercise above, that’s ok! write one now, even if you’re just speaking it out loud into the ether).
Feel your feelings fully. If you need to take breaks to cry, yell, breathe, laugh, or process, take those breaks unapologetically—what needs to happen will happen exactly as it’s meant to.
When you feel you have expressed everything you need to say, take some time to say goodbye to this energetic connection.
Then, take your scissors in your hands. Holding them, infuse them with the energy of self-love and self-respect that is causing you to cut this cord in the first place. Allow them to be a tool for you that proves to you just how deeply you love yourself.
Cut the cord.
After the cord is cut, recall your energy from the end of the severed piece of the cord. Imagine the golden light flowing back into your belly, filling you with strength and renewal. Burn your smudge stick and cleanse yourself of this experience.
You may repeat this ceremony for anyone else with whom you feel you have an energetically draining connection.
Don’t be ashamed or worried if you feel grief throughout this ceremony or even long after it. Sometimes it still hurts to let go of something or someone, even when we know that’s what is best for us.
A Connection Exercise
This one’s easy! Call a friend. Share your experiences with them. Connect to someone who you love and feel safe with. Allow them to show up for you and hold loving space, and really revel in the feeling of being supported by chosen family. Let the trust you have for them grow and sink into you, rebuilding your trust for a sibling-like energy one phone call at a time.
I hope this Kit has been healing and soothing for you, and I’m sending you so much love. Should you need additional support, you can book a session with me by clicking the link below.
All my Metta, Maria
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